did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
