Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
