Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
