i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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