TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
