I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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