I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's always time for handjobs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
