I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
