He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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