If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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