I think i peed on brittanys purse
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
