This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
