Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize