I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
