before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
