Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
nutella sex= disaster
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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