No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
