I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
