Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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