haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
