I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
