If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have fence marks all over my body
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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