??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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