I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How does it feel to date your dad?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
