Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
