Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
