I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize