so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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