I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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