Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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