someone threw a dead crab at me
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
