the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
