dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
