i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
