Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
