Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
