I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
then he tried to convert me to islam
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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