Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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