genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Alive.
So much puke
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
