Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize