Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
