I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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