at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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