so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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