im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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