I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
