Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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