Don't you send me to vm
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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