Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
