Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She told me I should be a condom model.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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