ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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