I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
