how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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