jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
