i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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