i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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