It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
